Portraits From Words: II- The Doctorate

Portraits From Words

II- The doctorate.

دى بتريح الزبون...

I have known the doctorate since we were high school girls with unfolded ties, short skirts, dark manicure, coloured Chupa Chups and the whole package. It is pretty random how we met, for I was sitting in a lonely armchair, bored to death and was humming some Beatles tune, when she joined in. We moved from Beatles to Eminem to Metallica when she asked about my name. Boring school days passed by and we got to know each other more, getting to know details about daily activities, families, issues – you can use the word “friends”, yes. And this has lasted for several years, for me to witness the amount of darkness that can be disguised behind a white medical coat.

There are two uniform things that didn’t change about the doctorate ever since; the first is that she always forced people to sympathize with her without giving them a solid reason to feel sympathy for. For some reason, she always felt that she is the world’s center of unfairness and misery. I have put great efforts to get into her darkness – let’s not forget about my magnet – and I succeeded. Her darkness is justifiable with what she has witnessed yes, but the unique thing about her, is that she never exerted any effort to get over it – she absolutely liked where she stood, a headquarters for sympathy.

The second habit of hers is that she loves to “teraya7 el zeboon”. The doctorate with all her prestigious education and her seven years old medical certificate never has her own opinions. She is well aware of the pathetic human nature, and how humans get attracted to those who agree with them, not who argue with them – and she has always been so witty to agree with people, regardless of what they were saying. But that technique was more like Chinese food – spicy and delicious, yet makes you get hungry in no time. She is jaguar-fast in making best friends, yes… but even faster in making enemies. Yet, there is a villain inside her that works around the clock and absolutely fires back at anybody who shows their teeth at her – and in no time, her white coat will be covered with their shredded flesh and blood. However, she is fastest at cleaning herself up and adding back an angel halo that fits with the whiteness of her new coat.

The doctorate is not an ill-mannered person. She is always there around her best friends if she has nothing better to do or when she is single. She likes to befriend social keys that lead her to pools full of fish so that she can practice her witty fishing techniques. When the doctorate is done fishing, she will go away with her caught fish, for as long as it takes to consume the fish tricks and would then throw it all away. A “social climber” may not be the exact term… but it says a lot, for she has no hesitance to turn against those closest to her for better fishing chances.

If you ask me, I will not know where the doctorate is now. She is probably walking her dog, cooking vegetarian food, listening to French love talk on the phone or sipping on a bottle of Egyptian red wine that is hidden under her bed. In all cases, I hope the doctorate finds some light.

Portraits From Words: I- Purgatorio

Portraits From Words

I- Purgatorio

ده اللى هيخلى الاسكندرية تروح لبنان...


There is a magnet hidden somewhere in my body that attracts darkness, and them dark people are two types; those whom you regret knowing and those whom you are grateful you knew. Purgatorio was of the second type and he wasn’t a genius kid. During school days, he probably gave up his lunch to bullies in the men’s room and wasn’t the type of guy whom the captain would immediately pick for the football game. Let me tell you, he has had problems with his voice since he was two… and was nicknamed “Bango” for he always sounded slow like someone who smoked a lot of cheap Egyptian weed. Bottom line, Purgatorio wasn’t the flashy kid at school and currently he’s not one of those flashy successful business men in their late twenties who never get food stuck between their teeth and never ever let their skin show between their pants and socks. And in those “mediocre” details, lies all his greatness.

In my opinion, Purgatorio is a muse and is a pillar of support. He has had it the hard way, for the past quarter of a decade. Nothing turned out well for him, he has enjoyed the whole bouquet of bullshit, yet he never whined. Amid the bouquet’s peaks and classics, he’d check out on the ladies of his life and make sure they are alright and busy watching TV – then he’d have his own few moments chasing dragons.

It can get a whole lot frustrating to convince Purgatorio to write and not rip off what he wrote right away, even though to my eyes, he is the most talented writer. However, regardless of the art behind his words – his stories were able to move a city like Alexandria to want to go to Lebanon to kneel on its knees to his Snowhite asking her to be merciful and to allow things to be fixed. This Snowhite business requires books to be written and I am not the person and this is not the place. It is enough to mention that Purgatorio… isn’t the giving up kid. And in this lies further greatness.

But God won’t just let us be – or at least won’t let him be, for they obviously share a lot of unfinished business. Purgatorio now feeds on gin – yes, the most bleak of all spirits – every night, spends his day earning MS certificates with all its permutations in a white-collar sense that doesn’t go along with his darkness, spends his free time contemplating Lebanese asses as he sips on Starbucks products, spends his elevator times with Indians who make everyone uncomfortable… and secretly thinks about his long-missed old lady or about Snowhite.

وتستمر وتستمر وتستمر

بالصدفة اخدت بالى انى كتبت المقامر بالضبط من شهر... وضحكت... على الاحباطات التى تستمر وتستمر وتستمر... ثم تتسرب وتتوغل وتقتل.... ثم تحييك مرة اخرى لتستمر وتستمر وتستمر...

تعبت

شارب وبيمول

محسن: لو سمحت ، كنت عايز اشترى بيانو

العامل: اتفضل معايا...

محسن: ثانية بس ، انا عايز بيانو من غير صوابع سودا

العامل: نعم؟

محسن: معلهش ، شوفلى بس طلبى عشان مستعجل

العامل: مفيش حاجة اسمها كدة

محسن: يا سيدى مالاكش فيه ، انا عايزه كدة

العامل: ثانية واحدة

يذهب العامل الى المكتب فى الداخل ويخرج ومعه رجل كبير فى السن، مسيو فينسنت

فينسنت: ايوة خبيبى؟

محسن: عايز اشترى بيانو... بس من غير صوابع سودا

فينسنت: اه طبعا طبعا خبيبى، بس انت عارف ان ده عمره ما اتصنع

محسن: لأ طبعا اتصنع، انا شفت ناس بيستخدموه

فينسنت: طب معلهش خبيبى، ايه رأيك تاخد بيانو عادى وبلاش تلعب صوابعه السودا

محسن: لأ، اخاف العبهم بالغلط

فينسنت: هممممم، طب وانت هتلعب شارب وبيمول ازاى؟

محسن: احنا فى 2008

فينست: هو انت تعليمك فرنساوى.... ولا لاتينى؟

محسن: لاتينى طبعا...

فينست: واضح، واضح... بس قوللى خبيبى، انت ايه مشكلتك مع الصوابع السودا؟

محسن: انا باخاف العب الصوابع السودا، لحسن حياتى تبقى زيهم

فينسنت: انا معرفش انت ميولك فى الموسيقى ايه، بس انت عارف ان احلى الحاجات بتتستخدم الصوابع السودا؟

محسن: انا فاهم، بس دول اعداء النجاح... انا باحب الروتينية والملل بتاعة الصوابع البيضا... بتحسسنى بالأمان... أنا متأكد ان حياتى هتبقى هايلة ومنتجة لو انا فضلت العب ع الصوابع البيضا بس...

فينست: خياتك ايه خبيبى؟ انت شكلك من اللى بيتفرجوا وبس...

محسن: يعنى ايه؟

فينسنت: يعنى زى ما انت مش هيحصلك حاجة وحشة لو ملعبتش الصوابع السودا، فانت برضه مش هيحصلك حاجة كويسة... انت صعبان عليا خبيبى...

محسن: طب يعنى انا اعمل ايه دلوقتى؟

فينسنت: باردون خبيبى، انا محبش يكون ليا دخل فى اسلوبك ده... جوود داى.

10 Things to Do in Job Interviews.

There are secrets that I’ve learned throughout my interview experience… and it’s time to spill them since I am settled on a job – or at least that’s what I think.


• When kept waiting with a secretary, who is probably pretending to do something of value, flood her with questions. The questions shouldn’t be too fast, they should be interrupted with pauses so that she has the time to get back to what she was doing so that you are able to interrupt her again. Questions can be along the line of “Can I use your personal computer for a second, I need to edit my resume to say that I PMS twice a month, just in case this sort of info is important around here?” or “Do you have a come-to-work-in-a-bikini day? I heard that’s the reason why Google is taking over the world.” Or “How do mermaids reproduce?” or my personal favorite “Do you know the abbreviation for “Fornicating Under the Consent of the King”?”

• When breaking the ice with a male General Manager or interviewer, tell them you prefer Bourbon… On the rocks.

• When left waiting alone in a room with a camera, make sure you initiate conversations with E.T. who will always listen if you keep pointing your finger to the ceiling, periodically stamping your feet on the floor and scratching your belly.

• When left waiting alone in a room without a camera, stand behind the door and eavesdrop, till your interviewer comes to slam the door and hit you in the head. Look at them and say “I’ll take that for an acceptance, I start in a month.”

• When breaking the ice with a female General Manager or interviewer, compliment her by saying that you love the Revlon long-lasting-not-to-be-removed-easily lipstick she is using, and when she smiles in gratitude, ask her if she uses it because her husband works here as well.

• If asked about the type of work you prefer doing, and you start explaining about how C++ is way better than Java, start drooling a bit, moving your body a bit restlessly and make sure you finish your answer by saying “C++ excites me, like really excites me… I can code in C++ for hours and hours because it excites me *bite lower lip*… I had troubles with my ex-boyfriend because of my Object Oriented fetishes but I understand that will be no problem here… right?”

• When asked about your expected salary, simply state that all you care about is covering your crack bills.

• When the security guard stares at the religion in your national ID for long, offer him a cigarette, point at the ID in his hands and mention that it is forged and you’re Jewish, from an Israeli family that prosecutes Palestinian little children out of mere boredom, but you need the ID to get around here.

• When asked about your strengths, your reply should be that you are as patient, considerate and sane as Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted. When asked about your weaknesses, your reply should be that you are as calm and vulnerable as Hannibal Lectar.

• When you end an interview, say “Bye sweetie, have a good day” or if you like the interviewer, “Bye darling, but off the record, are you doing anything tonight?”

After the Curtain.

The girl: Daddy, I wanna go to the bathroom.

The father: Not now.

The girl: But why? The show is over and the makeup is hurting my eyes.

The father: I am sorry baby, we must wait. What makes a good clown a good clown is that they know they should keep their drawn smiles after the curtain, and you’re not only a good clown, you’re the best trapeze in town.

The girl: But daddy please, my eyes hurt, nobody will see me, everyone’s leaving.

The father: Maria, I said you can’t and that does it. You never know who is looking; you can do whatever you want in your room. When you grow up, you’ll understand.



















The girl: Mommy, I wanna go to the bathroom.

Maria: Not now. We’re still after the curtain.

The Sisyphean Affair.

I’ve always looked up the hill, and saw nothing.
I still fought my way up, because everyone knew,
And everyone told me; beyond that rite of passage,
The hill will go up no more.

Now, I am one step away, from that rite of passage,
And I look up the hill and still see nothing,
The hill has no peak, and it remains to go up,
The stone I push grows heavier with burdens too.

I am not mad at the myths people repeat,
Yet, I have a nagging temptation to let go completely,
Let the stone roll over me, all the way down,
Fill me with scars and bruises as I laugh uncontrollably.

Of Horse Shoes and Graduation.

Please don`t misunderstand; I am not trying to make any metaphor between Albert Einstein and myself, yet I can`t get this story out of my mind.

“The student passes by Prof. Einstein’s office to find he has a horse shoe hung on his door. It is known that horse shoes hung on doors have something to do with good fortune. The student, surprised beyond belief, storms into his professor’s office and asks him:

Student: “Sir, I don`t assume you believe in such myths, do you?”

Einstein: “It doesn`t matter whether you believe in them or not. They do what they`re supposed to do anyways.””

So hey, everyone around me was so surprised how “cool” I am about things, how carefree and tranquil, even though I am surrounded by endless problems, spider webs, constraints and bullets on a to-do-list. It is needless to mention the details of those problems and how their consequences – let’s just say that my graduation was not a sure thing – are unbelievably tragic and severe. Yet, behind that serene face I kept, I had thinking machines that never ceased, planning gears that never paused, clocks and calendars that never forgot… Et voila, my graduation is pleasantly taking place on Thursday, and everything surrounding that mega event is put in its proper place in style and with great eloquence. However, I won`t contribute all of this to me… There has been constant great power, that I have felt and cannot name, that has been fitting the wind in my direction. And to this, will go my first graduation toast.

Kindly keep your eye on the raised eyebrow.

What he doesn`t know is that he is more worried than she is, for the time of her appointment is too soon and traffic seems to be spaghetti for the day. He is supposed to drive her there and he knows how honest she is about her appointments and he knows how honest he is about not letting her down. Yet, she seems very cool about it, staring into the sun and humming with the radio. She feels it’s hot and decides to put on the AC and that’s when the car breaks down.

Sweat starts dripping as he feels more awkward and gets more worried, yet she remains to stare into the sun and hum along the tunes coming out of the radio – with raised eyebrows. The car breaks down everyone’s favourite place – the middle of the street. Thus, every other car is hindered and the series of profanity coming out of each don`t seem to interrupt her as she continues to whistle her tunes. It took two minutes for two mechanics to show up out of nowhere, with a spare battery and spare time, and they fixed the car and in five minutes, they were on the road again.

What he thinks, is that she is probably God’s spoiled brat for the car to break down in front of what he believed to be a mechanic shop. She is probably too spoiled – for they made it exactly on time to her appointment. What she thinks, is that she has to find a way to keep people staring at her raised eyebrows and listening to her hummed tunes, as she discretely manages to get her magic wand to fix things.