10 Things to Do in Job Interviews.

There are secrets that I’ve learned throughout my interview experience… and it’s time to spill them since I am settled on a job – or at least that’s what I think.


• When kept waiting with a secretary, who is probably pretending to do something of value, flood her with questions. The questions shouldn’t be too fast, they should be interrupted with pauses so that she has the time to get back to what she was doing so that you are able to interrupt her again. Questions can be along the line of “Can I use your personal computer for a second, I need to edit my resume to say that I PMS twice a month, just in case this sort of info is important around here?” or “Do you have a come-to-work-in-a-bikini day? I heard that’s the reason why Google is taking over the world.” Or “How do mermaids reproduce?” or my personal favorite “Do you know the abbreviation for “Fornicating Under the Consent of the King”?”

• When breaking the ice with a male General Manager or interviewer, tell them you prefer Bourbon… On the rocks.

• When left waiting alone in a room with a camera, make sure you initiate conversations with E.T. who will always listen if you keep pointing your finger to the ceiling, periodically stamping your feet on the floor and scratching your belly.

• When left waiting alone in a room without a camera, stand behind the door and eavesdrop, till your interviewer comes to slam the door and hit you in the head. Look at them and say “I’ll take that for an acceptance, I start in a month.”

• When breaking the ice with a female General Manager or interviewer, compliment her by saying that you love the Revlon long-lasting-not-to-be-removed-easily lipstick she is using, and when she smiles in gratitude, ask her if she uses it because her husband works here as well.

• If asked about the type of work you prefer doing, and you start explaining about how C++ is way better than Java, start drooling a bit, moving your body a bit restlessly and make sure you finish your answer by saying “C++ excites me, like really excites me… I can code in C++ for hours and hours because it excites me *bite lower lip*… I had troubles with my ex-boyfriend because of my Object Oriented fetishes but I understand that will be no problem here… right?”

• When asked about your expected salary, simply state that all you care about is covering your crack bills.

• When the security guard stares at the religion in your national ID for long, offer him a cigarette, point at the ID in his hands and mention that it is forged and you’re Jewish, from an Israeli family that prosecutes Palestinian little children out of mere boredom, but you need the ID to get around here.

• When asked about your strengths, your reply should be that you are as patient, considerate and sane as Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted. When asked about your weaknesses, your reply should be that you are as calm and vulnerable as Hannibal Lectar.

• When you end an interview, say “Bye sweetie, have a good day” or if you like the interviewer, “Bye darling, but off the record, are you doing anything tonight?”